I just can't wait for 2012 to be over. Today my 3 outside dogs got out of my yard... allegedly. Neighbors I don't even know called the cops who showed up and issued me 3 financial citations (one for each dog) and threatened me with jail time if they get another report on my dogs. The dogs, in their defense, didn't damage property or hurt livestock, they were just allegedly seen outside my yard. So in order to keep out of further entanglements with the cops (who could burn in hell for all I really care) and to keep from incurring more debt I cannot afford to pay, I have to take my dogs to the animal shelter first thing tomorrow morning. They are never going to understand what happened and will be confused, scared, lonely and very sad. And I have no way to explain to them what happened and why they have to go away.
Honestly this is almost the last straw for me. 2012 has been a horrible, awful year. I suppose it is only fitting that it should go out this way. I was hoping for a nice, quiet, uneventful winter. So far, I've been out of luck. So tomorrow morning at 10am sharp I will be saying goodbye to three dogs who have shown me nothing but loyalty and love, who have protected me when I was alone, comforted me when I was sad, and made me laugh and feel needed when nothing and no one else on this planet could do that. I have to turn around and walk out of the shelter and go back to work as though nothing has changed and my life isn't slowly falling apart again at the seams, piece by little piece. I sometimes wonder what will actually be left of me when all of this fallout is said and done. When the dust settles and I'm sitting in the middle of that mystery, what will I have around me? People are fickle creatures and nobody likes someone whose life is constantly bombarded with trouble. Animals love unconditionally and deeply. Maybe when all of mine are gone and I have nothing left then I'll know some profound sense of freedom I wouldn't have otherwise known. Either that, or I'll be completely bereft and tired of this mockery of a life I'm living right now.
None of that changes the unspeakable injustice I'm about to inflict on these beloved, sweet dogs tomorrow and I have no idea how I'm going to manage what I have to do or live with it afterward without constant crying episodes. I have hated almost all of 2012 and I'll be glad to see it go. I won't look back on it fondly, I won't reminisce about the good old days of 2012 or the good times I had that were preciously few and far between. I'll put it behind me, shake the dust off my feet and somehow go forward into more unknown and chaos. I'm terrified to even imagine what 2013 has in store for me. Yes, I've lost the ability to be an optimist. I won't apologize for it or even feel bad. I still have "things" in my life that enable me to eat and keep a roof over my head. But what kind of life quality is that when you list your blessings as inanimate items that allow you merely to further experience the crap life gets to throw at you? Maybe 2013 will provide me with a different perspective and this time next year I will know hope and happiness again. Maybe I'll have things to look forward to and enjoy again. But for now, it's drudgery and sheer force of will keeping me on my feet. I know God is not a respecter of persons and has no favorites. But for once, I'd like to feel like He was looking out for JUST ME JUST ONCE and that I could be His first priority. Just once. But it's not going to happen. It doesn't happen like that and nobody lives happily ever after either. These are the hard lessons life instills in us over the rocky roads, right?
Well, tomorrow is going to be hellish and I need my sleep. I'm going to take my cold/flu and strep throat drugs and try to imagine that I'm someone else for just a few hours until I'm forced to face the harsh light of yet another day on this terra firma.
Here's hoping that everyone else reading this is having a better life than I am right now and that you can count your blessings on both hands and actually feel good about them. This ungrateful wretch who has no business worrying over her paltry 1st world problems is going to bed.